When boundaries made me close my heart and the one thing that helped me open it back up
I used to think that having boundaries meant closing myself off. When I first read about highly sensitive people or empaths, I began to treat myself like something that needed protecting. I began to fear my own sensitivities and what would happen if I picked up someone’s energy. So, I started closing my heart and almost obsessively fixating on boundaries, protection, and clearing my energy.
Then one day, my dance/movement therapy teacher, Dr. Danielle Fraenkel, said something that completely shifted my perspective. She said, “If you pick up energy from someone that you don’t like, just let it go.” So simple! I was mind blown. I had been trying, unsuccessfully, to protect myself with boundaries but what I had really done was close my heart. I wanted to live heart-open and trust myself that I could handle it if I felt out of wack due to picking up someone’s energy.
I learned that I do not need to set boundaries out of fear. I learned that when I set boundaries out of fear of others, I am reinforcing the message that my sensitive nature makes me weak. When I set boundaries out of fear, I closed myself off to being impacted by others in positive ways too! When my heart was closed, I wasn’t even protecting myself either, I was just living in fear of being flooded, instead of trusting myself that I can handle it.
When I set boundaries out of self-love, I reinforce the message that I am worthy of my own protection. Protection is not something I give myself because I “need” it. I can handle picking up other’s energies because I know that I can simply let it go. When I stopped fixating on trying to avoid what is frankly impossible to avoid, I started showing myself that I can rise to the challenge. This strengthened my discernment and self-trust. My inner sense of security strengthened too, knowing that I got this. My sensitivities do not mean I need to treat myself like a baby, a fragile little girl. Sometimes I do show myself extra care, but I want to live in a world where I can live without fear of what might happen if I don’t protect myself and close my heart.
I used to wear scarves around myself like a hood, which is a beautiful practice for protection, at the airport because I felt too exposed and sensitive if I did not. I used to wear my noise cancelling headphones to cope with loud spaces. I get it, these things are helpful when you feel overwhelmed. But I want to live in the world! Fully in it! I want to be able to handle the world at full volume because I know I can! That makes me feel capable, strong, and good about myself. So, I trained my nervous system to feel safe and allowed myself to settle into the discomfort of intaking a lot of stimuli. (It’s called being present.) This does not mean that I push past my internal compass and stay in places that I do not want to be. But at the airport, I walk around with my ears out, head up, present, making eye contact, and it feels GOOD to be fully in this world. Identifying as a highly sensitive person gave me an excuse to treat myself like a fragile thing and to live in fear instead of fully owning the power that I have to feel safe and secure in any environment.
Now, my boundaries are because I love myself, not because I am scared of what might happen if I don’t set them. In other words, fear is not the main force I move from, love is. I know I can handle what might happen if I don’t protect myself in these particular ways because I challenged myself and saw that I was fine when I did.
